I felt absolutely nothing towards it for some reason.
People around me all feels so much, that it would only make sense if I also feel something towards it.
But I don't, maybe I care about how the incident happened, that I want to understand the situation and why people feel the way they do, but that's about it.
I do feel a lot of things, but lately I've realised that everything that I feel is only contained to myself, because of myself, for myself. Even if I'm interacting with someone, even if I'm having opinions towards someone, it's never ever been me connecting with others, it's all just the way I feel for myself, even if it involved others.
And with how much everyone else feels towards things I don't I just feel really guilty whenever I don't experience the things others do.
Then I would try and feel things towards it, but every single time I couldn't actually do it, even if I think I could it's only because I've been gaslighting myself, giving myself false hope.
Why do people feel the need to cry over the death of hundreds caused by an accident? Why do people only value about things like this now when there are other tragedies? Is it bad that no matter how hard I try I don't feel anything towards it?
I can feel sad that I don't feel anything towards it, so why can't I just feel sad towards it instead?
Basically everyone expects me to behave in a certain way that I'm not, even if my efforts are seen what is the point when people seem to hyperfixate on results?
It's not that I'm not willing to change or improve, so why is it that everytime I do try people just assume that I'm lying?
And if I'm able to acknowledge others seeing reality as is through their lens, why is it that nobody else seems to want to just admit that I also see reality as is through mine?
It's also not that there are no one who admits it, but I'm getting really really tired of explaining myself over and over and over and over just to get some pity I don't deserve.
In before someone says that I do deserve it as I clearly stated that I don't.
Originally I started this blog post to try to cinnect witg others, but now that I realised it's pretty much practically impossible, so what if I have a way to express my thougts clearly?
Maybe there are other intentions that I had with making this a thing, but at this point I should be done forcing others to connect with me when at the end of the day it's all me beibg a self absorbed asshole who doesn't have the capacity to geniunely connect with others.
Also I will be fine afterwards I do not feel suicidal at all even as of now, I'm just frustrated that I am the way I am is all.
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