Almost forgot how to exist because coping looked like the only option.
Humans are simutaneously overrated and underrated, in the sense that they are all so small and pathetic, yet at the same time feels limitless. To recgonise such a thing constantly and consistently is very difficult, because of how contradictory both idea are when put together. It is easy for lots to feel limitless, but when they realised that isn't always the case chances are they fall back to feeling small and pathetic.
And it's fair to say that I am just like anyone else.
Now there is something within me that balanced the two before, but the balance was from an external and much more importantly uncontrollable and inconsistent force. I was initially ok with the force just being gone and to this day I still think it is a good decision, but what's not good is that by doing so I've seemingly forgotten how to balance.
And this isn't just purely about the mindset either, it also affected stability as a whole. It's only until very recently that I've realised there are lots and lots of things that I did for a reason that got abandoned just because external conditions made me not able to see just how much value they give me, from quirky habits to concious decisions.
To live on either side of the spectrum without taking care of the other is straight up a cope, one can hardly call this "living" when once one looked through it, it looks exactly like beating yourself up as a survival tactic. In a way this is worse than living in a physically hostile enviornment, as at least with those people they do typically know what to do to survive to begin with.
Is living like this actually sustainable given other external factors? I honestly can't tell, but at least I can now say that I'm trying to live rather than to cope, and I do wish that people who have been coping at least realises that they are coping, not living.
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