Living under the shadow

Recently I've been thinking more and more about life and stuff, and I realised I've been living under the shadow for my entire pre-18 life.

I've been wanting to do things by myself, especially things that I'm interested in, but life tells me that I'm not allowed to do that because imagine seeing me looking at the screen and putting the books aside, that will make me "fail", so because life doesn't want me to fail even once, I've instead become a puppet of life.

I've been trying to fail, find ways to do it my own way, so that I can understand what I should improve, but life always gets into my way and say "don't you dare", so the most that I did during these days were to grind out subjects like Math, because that's what I was interested in, and at school, in which life doesn't intefere me yet, it was my biggest motivation to actually make improvements, it was something that I was passionate about.

But that alone doesn't help with my studies, and as time goes on I bothered less and less with life, because I was like, why even try when at the end of the day life is not going to let me put my efforts on anyways, when life itself doesn't appreciate what I did.

It doesn't matter if I'm reading books, watching educational stuff online, playing games, reading articles, all that matters is that these does not count as studying. Also, for some reason, it is indefinitely good to do things 1 at a time, because that just gurantees the highest possibility of success, and every other ways does not matter, because failing is being seen as bad, and I MUST prevent that from happening.

At the time there were also lies saying that it's ok as long as I've tried my best, not because life itself doesn't keep it's promise on it, but because I've never ever actually have the opportunity to try my best. Besides, if it truly doesn't matter, life wouldn't have told me to retry, if all that matters is that I've tried my best, there is truly no need to go for higher heights.

So after that period, I barely succeeded most and failed hard enough on 1 subject that I held no respect of, and then life tells me that I can just cheat my way through something that isn't even good and eventually get what life wants from me, and so I compelled.

Though as soon as I got into adulthood, it's almost as if life have given up on me. Life still has it's desires, but it feels like it no longer tries to be so pushy.

As I have been controlled by life for my entire life at the moment, I kind of lost all the reasons to try with life. I become even more lazy than ever, and as I realise life isn't going in my way anymore, I started doing things specifically doesn't align with it. I've had interests before, but at that period I have been invested in ignoring life so much, it's shaped part of who I am now.

It has been like that for 2 years.

Then one day I decided it's time to actually get the passion back, do what I've desired for. It has been about 2 months of that, I've failed in a lot of ways, succeeded in a lot of ways, but most importantly, I liked when I realise I'm failing, as I'm seeing more and more new things I can approach to build myself out of the failure that I am.

One day I've made a mistake, a relatively common one, but one that doesn't just affect me, and only until then I realised, if I want to stop living under the shadow, I have to get myself out of it, and I've been sub-conciously doing it for a while, except only until recently I started taking myself seriously.

It doesn't matter how much I get from it by doing so in the eyes of life, if life ended up needing me to do work that I don't want to do because of my incapabilities, then so be it, I'm not a smart person, and as long as I've tried to pursure what I've tried by myself, there will be no regrets.

Incapability is the best trait of every human.


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